Category: Advice

Everything seems harder after a loss. Even the simple things like finding the energy to roll yourself out of bed for another day. Remembering that we need food to survive. Seeing and chatting with people in any scenario, even if those people are gathering around ready to try to support and comfort you.

When did idle chit chat become so hard?

It may be some time before your grievee is ready to talk about the weather, the latest film at the cinema or their favourite TV programme. It may also seem that they are always sat in silence, staring into space. It is not just difficult for you to know what to say, it is also more difficult for them to process information and it may even be that they have a problem connecting with you again after their loss.

There are so many emotions rattling around that people experiencing grief often find themselves incredibly confused throughout the day. As someone who is standing there trying to support the grieving individual you may find yourself at a loss of what to say, putting your foot in your mouth, or simply on the end of an emotional outburst. Whether that outburst is sobbing or a lash out of anger, it can be hard to know how to deal with that situation.

This post aims to try to help those dealing with a relative, friend or co-worker that is going through grief. Please note that we are writing this from the point of view of newly bereaved parents and that all of the views written after this point are merely our experience. Everyone will respond differently to grief and for some these comments will not resonate, however we want to put something down to try to help those we can.

Changing your defaults

Often it is the default everyday expressions that are the spark to set off anger responses in us. This is not an excuse for how people coping with grief act but is simply an insight into how they may be thinking.

You can help to avoid these situations by changing your defaults. Here are a few examples:

Default: “How are you doing?” – Response: “How do you think we are doing our (enter person lost) just died!”

This question can be changed to: “It is so good to see you, tell me about your week.”

This simple change allowed us the space to be able to talk openly about how we were feeling, the specific actions throughout the week that we had struggled with and hopefully helped our supporters get some insight as to where we needed the most help.

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Default: “I just want you to know that I am here when you need me.”

This is another common scenario and whilst it was nice for us to hear that we had the support of our close friends and family this statement is just that, a statement.

We had been finding it difficult to get an understanding of what we needed day to day and therfore were not able to articulate the help that we needed.

Instead, try using: “What can I do to help you today?”

This helped focus us on right now. Often, we found ourselves thinking about the past or the future, we didn’t like to think in the present as this time is the hardest that we will ever have to endure. This change in default helped to bring us back into the now, to focus on what we needed. We were much more likely to be responsive to this change rather than the default.

When you have no words to say

There may be times that you have no words or you feel as though you have said the wrong thing. Saying nothing at all and avoiding the situation has been the most painful route for us that some have decided to take. Don’t get us wrong, sitting in silence with our supporting cast has happened after periods of intense conversation and this has been a comfort but when we have felt that people are avoiding us it only adds to our isolation.

We will try now to be super helpful here by listing those things that we found were the most common wrong thing to say:

• I can’t imagine what you are going through – no and we wouldn’t want you to. This is also very isolating.
• You don’t deserve this – no one does but it has still happened.
• At least they are in a better place now – we think the best place for them was here with us.
• You seem a little better – We are never better, we just get better at hiding the hurt.
• You can move on – we move forward with the one one we have lost, we never move on from them. Just because they are not physically here it doesn’t mean they are not with us.

If you have nothing but these few things above to say then perhaps it may be better to simply use this handy catch all:

“I am so sorry for your loss.”

This simple seven word sentence is sometimes the best thing that anyone can say. Of course you should only use this if you really mean the words. This is a genuine statement that doesn’t go into the ‘overtalking’ territory. It shows that you care for the person in grief but most importantly you highlight that the loss is theirs.

When sharing ISN’T caring

It is also important to be aware of social media in the modern world. You may feel devastated by the news of the loss, but always come back to the fact that the loss you feel is nothing compared to the loss that your grievee feels. The loss is theirs and should be treated as such. So before you send that heartfelt message out to all of your instagram followers to let them know how you have been affected, make sure that you get permission from your grievee as they may not want photos all over the internet. They may wish to keep those photos for themseleves as they may not be ready to share their loved one with the world yet.

You can never be too cautious when dealing with a person in grief. It is always best to ask first if you think that they may object. Can I get this tattoo? Can I do this fundraising event? Can I post this?

Actions often speak louder than words

If you have paid attention so far then instead of asking “how are you?”, you will say, “tell me about your week”. You will not just let your grievee know that you are there when they need you, but will instead offer immediate help.

All of this will have hopefully led to you having some positive conversations were you have picked up on a few places where you are able to support and feel that you are doing some good. This may be that you are able to cook an extra dinner and bring it to your grievee as they have mentioned that they keep forgetting to get things out of the freezer. It may be that you agree to turn up with cleaning supplies to help tidy their home as they are falling behind.

Whether they have found the words to ask for help or you have picked up on something that you can do to help them because they are not great at asking for support, the physical act of being there for them will make a huge difference. Just remember that you should always ensure that they are ready to see you, and know that they may ask you to leave at no notice if they are finding the situation too hard. Everyone has a different capacity for company after a loss.

The holy grail question

“Would you like to talk about it?”

Believe it or not this is something that has not yet been asked since the death of our daughter by anyone. Yet it is possibly the best thing that can be said in this troubling time.

Don’t worry that you will be bringing up the person’s loved one and that they may get emotional. The truth is that when loss is so new, their loved one is the only thing ever going through their mind. You will not be bringing them up, you are simply giving them the space to be able to openly talk about the person that has passed. The good and the bad. Of course this may lead to tears or laughter so be prepared when asking this question and make sure that you have the time to listen.

Time is the most important thing that we have and the most important thing that we can give.