Category: General

A year ago today we went for our 20 week scan. We had been keeping quiet as having suffered a miscarriage the previous Christmas, we were understandably anxious.

This time last year when we were told all was well, we felt such relief and happiness that we spread the exciting news. We were so pleased when everyone was so happy for us. Just as they had been when we moved home, got engaged and got married, we were always so surprised by other people’s happiness for us.

At the time, I remember feeling that life was going to change, the anticipation, the nerves of not knowing what birth would be like and the excitement of meeting your little human that you created.

We could never have known what lay ahead of us. A year down the line we expected our summer to be picnics with an 8 month old, weaning and hearing adorable babble. We didn’t expect to be visiting a grave, designing a headstone, living without her.

I really don’t want this blog post to be an attention seeking “feel sorry for us” type of post. So let’s flip it a little:

I also didn’t expect that Mike and I would have set up a fund to help such an incredible set of hospitals. I didn’t expect that we would be nearly at £10,000 in the first three months. This charity work has been a lifeline for us. Not always, but most days it gives me strength to keep going. So much good has already come from Ivy’s short life. I’m keeping my promise to her. I can’t let her down.

I didn’t expect that grief would be the way that it is. Sadness, of course, but not always. Sometimes anger, fear, confusion, pride. Some days manageable, even hopeful, followed by other darker days with crushing lows.

I didn’t expect the love that I felt for Ivy. I am afraid I sound like the cliché ‘you don’t know until you know’ but that is certainly true. A parents love is insane. I remember the minute she was born that I felt my heart fill for the most amazing little person. I never say I loved her in the past tense. I love her. It’s very much present. Her death didn’t end that for me. My love for her is what gave me the strength to face the darkest of days. I never expected that!

Looking ahead for a year down the line I no longer imagine or dream what life will be like. Since Ivy’s passing, Mike and I are way more impulsive. Why wait? What’s the worst that can happen? We are more curious. We spend ages looking at latest medical advances for SMA 1 and have taken the time to explore faith.

We also feel so much more open minded about people and their circumstances. Life can be difficult in loads of different ways. Everyone faces difficulties and problems. I wish we would all be kinder to each other and less judgemental.

And in terms of expectations, well I don’t have many anymore. I am going to live in the present and see where life takes me. Maybe my motto should be don’t make expectations?!