Category: General

Guilt is a strange emotion and it has cropped up more and more as the months have passed. We are almost at 9 months since Ivy died and grief is still a huge part of our daily life and with that brings guilt.

Guilt in the legal sense is an admission of doing something wrong or being found to have done something wrong. Guilt when we connect it with grief is an admission of feeling bad for doing …. well, anything it would seem. Seriously. It seems to affect so many aspects of our life. 

Here are some of the ways that I feel guilt:

When I am at work and I feel that I can’t face one of the tasks, I feel guilty. I feel as if I am letting down the people I work with and that I can’t do my job properly. I feel guilt that I am making their life harder and feel sadness that I am not able to take things in my stride anymore. 

Conversely, when I am so caught up in the moment at work, I feel guilty when I stop and realise that I haven’t been thinking of Ivy. When I first went back to work I would look at the clock and think ‘what would I be doing if I was at home with Ivy?’ Now that doesn’t happen so much. So it makes me feel a little guilty. 

When I haven’t been to visit Ivy’s grave, because the days are shorter, or the working day won’t allow it, or something happens that means we can’t get there (like when we had our radiator leak) I feel guilty that I haven’t taken 10 minutes out of my day to talk out loud to her, to clean her headstone, to check I am caring for it and keeping it nice. 

When we think of planning a holiday, we feel guilty that we are choosing a holiday that we could never have gone on with Ivy. What does that mean about how we felt about her? How many days will I not visit the grave then!?

Yet then I will feel guilty that we have still got our lives but are we using them wisely? Are we really doing all that we can to have a full and meaningful life? Especially knowing Ivy won’t ever have these experiences. I feel like I ought to live the days she never got for her as well as my own. I’m not sure how that works or what that looks like yet. I think this must be what is called survivor’s guilt. 

I think a lot about Mike. When he is feeling more positive, I feel guilty that I am letting him down. When he is feeling low, he feels guilty that he might bring me down. When neither of us feel bad we question ‘how are we feeling this way?’ ‘Is it normal to be silly and fun and light when your child suffered and you’ve reached lows you didn’t know you could reach?’

I feel guilty when I am in a social situation and people are talking ‘small talk’ and they trigger painful feelings that I have to push down! Is this healthy? Why don’t I just say ‘actually you’re so lucky to have kids, please don’t moan about them in front of me” Of course I don’t say that. I sit and internalise. I feel guilty for doing that.  How are people going to know it hurts if I don’t say? Are they forgetting Ivy? Am I allowing them to forget her? And then a different type of guilt comes over me because they aren’t doing anything wrong. They are entitled to speak about whatever they want. It’s me who needs to adjust. I often silently say ‘I love you Ivy’ when things like that happen to ease my guilt. 

Then with Ivy’s Gifts, I feel guilt. Guilt that I haven’t kept pushing things forward! Guilt that I haven’t arranged a huge fundraiser. Guilt that even though we’ve raised £16,000, I feel like I could be doing more. As if the monetary value of what we’ve raised somehow proves how much we love Ivy. Of course I know that isn’t true but that’s an example of my muddled thoughts. 

And finally and here’s the big one, I feel guilty for wanting another baby to fill my empty arms. Guilty that Ivy might know and somehow think I want a replacement for her. Guilt that the new baby would be born into a ‘broken’ family. Guilt for considering the risk of an abortion. Guilt for being able to screen for the gene that Ivy had when I couldn’t do that for her. Guilt for feeling that if I’m being honest a huge part of me worries if it’s not actually a new baby I want at all but Ivy to come back to me. In truth it’s probably both. I feel so sad that Ivy and her sibling/s can never know each other. 

Guilt, guilt, guilt and it is absolutely exhausting!

Every aspect of my day has some complex added layer because I feel guilt. The guilt sort of manifests itself into a pressure. What is the right thing to do? Then with that comes so much indecisiveness. I hope these feelings will pass and that when they do, so will the guilt for living again and loving again. 

I think I am starting to learn that whatever route our lives may take, all that Ivy is, and ever was to us, can never change. I will always be her Mummy. Mike will always be her Daddy and she will always be our little Ivy. Time will pass and things will change but it doesn’t take away the time we had as a family. It doesn’t change that we loved her every single day of her life. We have loved her every day since too. At the hospital the doctors told us there is ‘no right and no wrong’. Perhaps I need to hold onto that phrase so that I can live truly guilt free once more.