Category: General

As I write this, on 22nd September 2019, it has been 135 days since Ivy died. 135 wake ups without her. We measure time in 7 day weeks and 365 day years so why is 135 days so significant for us? Ivy lived for 135 days. 
As of tomorrow we have lived without her longer than she was here. Everyday forward makes that time a little longer and that distance a little further. 

135 days from 26th December to 10th May. Ivy’s whole life and it was way too short. Our life in that time wasn’t always easy; the struggle to breastfeed, the sleepless nights, the time spent in hospital. Yet she was with us, our life felt content when she was here. I have never taken so many photos or videos and thank goodness I did. We laughed at her facial expressions, felt that wave of love when we held her in our arms, wanted to protect her in a way only parents can understand. She was a happy little girl, which makes me realise how brave she was when the rest of her body was failing her. Her face was so expressive and she loved to babble away. We have lots of memories of her and I won’t share them all here. There’s a fine line between being honest and over sharing. 

Now we find ourselves 135 days later here. 10th May to 22nd September – our lives since Ivy. Of course, life’s felt a lot more difficult since her passing. We miss her, we feel like we don’t have a purpose and yet when we reflect we haven’t stood completely still. We have had new experiences which include going away for a week to Devon, buying a new car, returning to work and getting a puppy (which didn’t work out in the end). 

We haven’t stayed still but here is where things get complicated. The more we take steps forward can also feel like steps away from Ivy. New distractions and new experiences give other people different things to talk to us about which is ok. Sometimes it’s nice to feel normal. But here is the truth. I am always thinking about her. I can’t tell you how many triggers I can have in a day, some that you wouldn’t be able to piece together logically to get to Ivy but that send me to her instantly. (A perfect example is while I am writing this the song “Daughter” by Loudon Waighnwright has come on) And those triggers can sometimes make me sad but they don’t always. My biggest fear is that I am the only one thinking of her. My biggest worry is she’s forgotten. I don’t want to let that happen. 

Ivy’s Gifts has achieved more than we could have imagined but the charity work isn’t her. Her smile, her character and her smell. When my Nan died last December we had 101 years of memories and stories and different experiences that we could share. With Ivy, we have 135 days. I want those days to have mattered and to be allowed to speak about her, and about when I was pregnant with her, without people feeling awkward. Because if we don’t baby loss and child death stays a taboo subject and that in turn makes Ivy’s whole life taboo. 

Yes she did die. It’s heart breaking but she also lived and we love her so please don’t feel afraid to speak about her to us, to ask us questions about her. We are moving forward slowly but if we want to talk about Ivy that doesn’t mean we need to “move on” If you know somebody who is grieving, talk to them about the lost person. Talk to us about Ivy. I would love that for the next 135 days and beyond.